She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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