I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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