I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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