Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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