is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
