I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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