walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
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Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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