yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
