All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
where are my eyebrows?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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