I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
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I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
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I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?