Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
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she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There's always time for handjobs
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
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The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila