She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.