so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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