Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
