I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
