Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
