i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
