Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
