we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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