is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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