What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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