Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
