his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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