You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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