remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just threw up on my dentist
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
