In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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