last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Randomize
