Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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