just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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