Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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