i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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