True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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