You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize