I checked into jail on foursquare
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
