Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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