why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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