I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
