I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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