If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
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No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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