we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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