Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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