drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
