I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
