At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
