my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
