dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
