I looked at my own cervix.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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