a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Randomize
