I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
