he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
