glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
