Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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