I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
