I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
