Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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