i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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