mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
