You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
