I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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