now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
