May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
